It's been a couple of months since Dad passed away. Since I've never lost anyone this close before I really didn't know what to expect. Well, it doesn't get easier with time. I'm missing him more each day. I just didn't realize how much I'd taken him and Mom for granted. Not in a negative way but a slow process of thinking they will always be there. Then one day they're not. It's then that you realize how much they are apart of your life.
I moved away from Tulsa in 1990. I was raising a family and pursuing a career. Lisa and I prayed together seeking God's wisdom about the promotion and move. We were in agreement and made the decision to move. We made the decision with the thought that we would move back at least that was our conversation. It is a decision many of us make in our life. We really had no idea what the future would hold. It is not until many years later that we can look back on our decisions. I don't regret making the decision to move. I also believe God would bless me if I stayed or if I moved which he has. When I contemplate that decision in light of my aging parents it is easy to second guess myself. Had I stayed I would had more time with Mom and Dad. I could have been there the day he went to heaven. I could be there now with my Mom. She is lonely and dealing with his loss mostly by herself. I can't believe this is an easy thing to do.
We can't change the things that are in the past. To do so would mean changing who my children married and who my grandchildren are. I am stuck in the middle of an emotional tug-a-war. Somehow wishing I could change the past without altering the future.
Mom and Dad made the same decision. Moving there family from Baltimore, Maryland to Lawton, Oklahoma. Both of my brothers moved away. It is what children are destined to do. Proverbs (my paraphrase) says that a man is blessed to have a quiver full of children:like arrows they go forth to find their target. We raise our children to leave and that is as it should be. I would hate it if my children and grandchildren moved away but I would support them.
We love our children my sharing and giving our lifes to them. We can do this in many ways. When they are little we watch over them and care for them differently then we do as the grow older. Many parents make the mistake of always treating their children as children regardless of age. The fact is, as our children grow they need us in different ways. It is easy to get stuck in a pattern of treating our children as little children. When they are young, mom and dad are the center of their lifes. No mom or dad can forget the first time the children call them momma or daddy (I still love to be called daddy) . As they get into their early teens the relationship changes for better or worse. I learned this lesson with my first two. Rules were more important than relationship. Big mistake! Later I learned to relax and become myself with them. I realized my role was to be a friend and guide post not a parent like I was when they were in elementary school. Children need their parents to trust them. We can do so by relaxing and becoming their friend. If not, you risk having a stiff formal relationship in which they always feel like our children and never our equal as adults.
I knew little about my Dad as a child and young man. It was not until the last three weeks of his life I learned why he liked westerns. He said his dad used to keep him out of school and take him to see cowboy movies all day. It helped me understand him better in many ways. For instance, I always thought there was something wrong between them. I really never heard him speak much about my grandfather. I learned that he had to make a life and death decision at 29 concerning his 48 year old father. He had a heart valve problem and refused to have it replaced with a pig valve. It would have saved his life. Instead he passed away before I was born. I can't imagine the agony my Dad went through making that decision. I gained a whole new perspective and respect for my Dad.
I have been scanning pictures of my Dad from the time he was a baby until now. In doing so I see a whole different person. I see a young man with Hollywood looks. A beautiful smile, wonderful sense of humor, and a zest for life. I see a man who was romantic and in love with my Mom. He loved his family and did everything he could possibly do for them from the beginning until the end. I can't say how important it is to our children to see their parents truly in love. It helps me forget the bad fights I witnessed growing up. I now understand a little about why they happen.
I say all this to encourage those who read this and have children to share all of your life with your children. That is the good and bad about your life. Don't be afraid to treat them as equals and have fun with them. Be an example they can admire and emulate as they grow older. My family laughs, crys and fights together. We say hard things to each other. We talk about anything including sex. Most parents don't want to acknowledge sex in anyway. Close families can and should talk about anything. I have told my children everything about my life as a child. I will answer any question they have. I don't want my children to grow up and realize they don't even know me. I don't mean only as a father but as a man, father, husband and as their friend. Parents are more than just parents. Be an example for your children by showing the many facets of your life.
My brother Wally said at my Dad's memorial that fathers should tell their children they love them. It is a good thing. I totally agree but would go one step further. Show them you love them and confirm the words by sharing every aspect of your life with them. Be an example for them. Children do what you do not what you say. Love your children by giving them your time and undivided attention. My Mom has always done this. My Dad did this once he retired. He always wanted to talk with me on the phone or in person. He always wanted to know what was going on in my life and my family. We had some deep talks in an attempt to understand each other. To mend the fences in our relationship that had been knocked down and needed repair. My Dad was like two different people in my life. The last twenty years of his life made up for anything I felt was missing when I was young.
Yes, Fathers love your children by giving and sharing your entire life...
I moved away from Tulsa in 1990. I was raising a family and pursuing a career. Lisa and I prayed together seeking God's wisdom about the promotion and move. We were in agreement and made the decision to move. We made the decision with the thought that we would move back at least that was our conversation. It is a decision many of us make in our life. We really had no idea what the future would hold. It is not until many years later that we can look back on our decisions. I don't regret making the decision to move. I also believe God would bless me if I stayed or if I moved which he has. When I contemplate that decision in light of my aging parents it is easy to second guess myself. Had I stayed I would had more time with Mom and Dad. I could have been there the day he went to heaven. I could be there now with my Mom. She is lonely and dealing with his loss mostly by herself. I can't believe this is an easy thing to do.
We can't change the things that are in the past. To do so would mean changing who my children married and who my grandchildren are. I am stuck in the middle of an emotional tug-a-war. Somehow wishing I could change the past without altering the future.
Mom and Dad made the same decision. Moving there family from Baltimore, Maryland to Lawton, Oklahoma. Both of my brothers moved away. It is what children are destined to do. Proverbs (my paraphrase) says that a man is blessed to have a quiver full of children:like arrows they go forth to find their target. We raise our children to leave and that is as it should be. I would hate it if my children and grandchildren moved away but I would support them.
We love our children my sharing and giving our lifes to them. We can do this in many ways. When they are little we watch over them and care for them differently then we do as the grow older. Many parents make the mistake of always treating their children as children regardless of age. The fact is, as our children grow they need us in different ways. It is easy to get stuck in a pattern of treating our children as little children. When they are young, mom and dad are the center of their lifes. No mom or dad can forget the first time the children call them momma or daddy (I still love to be called daddy) . As they get into their early teens the relationship changes for better or worse. I learned this lesson with my first two. Rules were more important than relationship. Big mistake! Later I learned to relax and become myself with them. I realized my role was to be a friend and guide post not a parent like I was when they were in elementary school. Children need their parents to trust them. We can do so by relaxing and becoming their friend. If not, you risk having a stiff formal relationship in which they always feel like our children and never our equal as adults.
I knew little about my Dad as a child and young man. It was not until the last three weeks of his life I learned why he liked westerns. He said his dad used to keep him out of school and take him to see cowboy movies all day. It helped me understand him better in many ways. For instance, I always thought there was something wrong between them. I really never heard him speak much about my grandfather. I learned that he had to make a life and death decision at 29 concerning his 48 year old father. He had a heart valve problem and refused to have it replaced with a pig valve. It would have saved his life. Instead he passed away before I was born. I can't imagine the agony my Dad went through making that decision. I gained a whole new perspective and respect for my Dad.
I have been scanning pictures of my Dad from the time he was a baby until now. In doing so I see a whole different person. I see a young man with Hollywood looks. A beautiful smile, wonderful sense of humor, and a zest for life. I see a man who was romantic and in love with my Mom. He loved his family and did everything he could possibly do for them from the beginning until the end. I can't say how important it is to our children to see their parents truly in love. It helps me forget the bad fights I witnessed growing up. I now understand a little about why they happen.
I say all this to encourage those who read this and have children to share all of your life with your children. That is the good and bad about your life. Don't be afraid to treat them as equals and have fun with them. Be an example they can admire and emulate as they grow older. My family laughs, crys and fights together. We say hard things to each other. We talk about anything including sex. Most parents don't want to acknowledge sex in anyway. Close families can and should talk about anything. I have told my children everything about my life as a child. I will answer any question they have. I don't want my children to grow up and realize they don't even know me. I don't mean only as a father but as a man, father, husband and as their friend. Parents are more than just parents. Be an example for your children by showing the many facets of your life.
My brother Wally said at my Dad's memorial that fathers should tell their children they love them. It is a good thing. I totally agree but would go one step further. Show them you love them and confirm the words by sharing every aspect of your life with them. Be an example for them. Children do what you do not what you say. Love your children by giving them your time and undivided attention. My Mom has always done this. My Dad did this once he retired. He always wanted to talk with me on the phone or in person. He always wanted to know what was going on in my life and my family. We had some deep talks in an attempt to understand each other. To mend the fences in our relationship that had been knocked down and needed repair. My Dad was like two different people in my life. The last twenty years of his life made up for anything I felt was missing when I was young.
Yes, Fathers love your children by giving and sharing your entire life...
