I'll Save a Seat for you Dad

The annual rite of fall used to be about the harvest time; in my family, fall is about football. Autumn reminds me of the weekly conversations I had with my dad when we talked about Oklahoma and Dallas Cowboys football. Since my father’s death, silence and memories have replaced our spirited weekly discussions about our favorite football teams.

During Oklahoma and Cowboys football games, I place a little football helmet appropriate for the game on top of a small container of his ashes on my TV to remind me of our mutual love for both teams.

I’ve now replaced my dad in my family; I talk about football with my sons, daughters, and sons-in-law during the season. These conversations satisfy enjoyment of my family and football, but they don’t fill the hole in my heart that only dad could fill. I am learning to let memories of him comfort my crying soul and let time fill in the gaps that only time can fill.

Like it or not, life is about change and change keeps on rolling just as a new football season comes and goes each year; his passing is only the beginning of many changes to come in my life.

I miss you, Dad.

I Was a Father and Young

I can still remember the anticipation and excitement I felt on the eve of the biggest event of my life. I was only 19, a child myself at the time. It felt like Christmas Eve, and I could hardly sleep. The night passed slowly, but the morning came quickly. Off to the hospital we went, two scared but excited children.

Family came to share in the anticipation and expected celebration. The waiting room, filled with conversation, smelled of coffee and cigarette smoke.

Jessica’s safe arrival was a blessing. She is the first of four children and the first grandchild born to our families. She is special!

I  was but a child, and I didn’t really comprehend the fullness of the moment. As I look back, I realize how overwhelmed I was by Jessica’s arrival. Her birth was like the sun on a cool and cloudy autumn morning pushing away the clouds and brightening my world forever. She warmed the day and my heart with her smile. She brought meaning and purpose to the life of a boy who suddenly became a father.
I have enjoyed watching her grow into a strong, confident, and beautiful young woman and mother. I am proud of Jessica; she leaves a drop of grace with every step she takes.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Father's Day Wish

I sit here on Father's Day with all my children and grandchildren gathered at my house. I can hear a compilation of laughter, yelling, and crying as each child cycles in and out of each phase. These are all the sounds of fatherhood; these are the sounds of my life.

As I celebrate Father's Day, I’m laughing on the outside and crying on the inside. I do so because this is the first Father's Day in my life that I don't have a dad to celebrate Father's Day with. After 50 years of celebrating this day with my him, there is now a great void in my life. For me, it is a bittersweet day; I struggle to celebrate while still morning his passing.

We all believe we have more sunrises and sunsets to experience in our lives. We are mesmerized by the cycle of the sun and the moon without realizing that they are an ominous sign of our own mortality. Like most people, I’ve not given much thought to my own end. Even though we all face the eminent reality of death, which we have little control of, we faithfully rise each day and repeat the same cycle of life, at least until we lose someone close to us. Today, I understand life's cruel game.

Life can be like listening to a song on repeat until someone comes along and changes the tune. The death of my father changed the song I hear. I now have a heightened sense of reality brought on by the watershed event of losing my dad. The loss of a parent, or both, places you next in line for the sequential events of life.
Four months after he passed, I have stopped looking at pictures of him every day. I’m not trying to forget him; I’m trying to stop the tears so that I can move forward. They say that amputee's can still feel an amputated limb for year’s afterword. Likewise, I can still feel his presence in my life. I miss him like crazy; every member of my family feels his stark absence.

What is important to me

I have but one new years resolution and that is start writing a weekly blog entry. Short or long, on topic or off, I realize how therapeutic writing is especially if it is from the heart. The hard part for me is starting to write especially if I don't have a topic or feeling to write about. When I start it just comes and is easy so I must learn to trust myself. That would be a good article wouldn't it?

Today I decided to write about the things that are important to me. This is not a New Year's resolution. I have had a habit of writing goals for myself every year. I used to write goals for my personal life and work. It is a wonderful exercise I recommend for everyone. Just take 30 minutes and think about what is important to you be it personal, work, or family and think about what you would like to accomplish. I would write a list of 5-7 things and place them in my wallet. I would take them out and look at them a few times a year. I am always amazed at how many of these things were accomplished or achieved or came into being. We don't realize the power of our subconscious. I guess the act of thinking and writing would engrave the goals in my subconscious and I would unknowingly seek to meet or achieve them.

In a round about way this brings me to today's topic. About six months into my new job I came to a crossroads with my manager. Without going into details it caused me to question myself and to look at myself to see if I needed to change something about myself. Part of the process as recommended by him was to take a personality test. I've done them before so this was not new. I also searched the Internet for information on my personality type. As part of this self-discovery process I decided to take a deep look at my values. Values are things that are important to you. What you value governes your actions and behaviors. Values can change over time but for the most part your core values only change when you decide to take inventory of your behavior. In essence, values are like a computer program. The program runs automatically in the "background" if you will. Unless you are willing to take a look at your values the program continues. Now, we all have values whether we are conscious of them or not. However, not everyone can tell you what they are. Without knowing your values then how can you begin to know yourself?

Identifying your values is like taking a journey. There are plenty of Web sites you can go to find some kind of structure. You can also start by writing words that have meaning to you. I combined a little from a Website to get started then went my own direction from there. Below are my core values and a short definition to help you understand them. These 12 virtues were derived from a list of 38.

Faith: This is a sincere heartfelt faith and trust in God and in mankind

Family: Who I am starts with God and is supported by those who love me and demonstrate that love everyday

Generosity: Giving from the heart to all who have need without judging motivation

Acceptance: Of everyone I come in contact with, of God's love for me when I or others judge me as unworthy, Of things I don't control

Thankfulness: Of God's love and the people he has placed in my life

Thoughtfulness: Slow to speak and quick to listen so that I speak the truth in love

Sincerity: Be true to who I am and these values. Be myself at all times regardless of who I am with

Wisdom: Wisdom starts with the knowledge of God and walks hand in hand with Thoughtfulness

Diligence: There is no substitute for hard work

Open Mindedness: Have the wisdom and faith to listen to others opinions, beliefs, or point of view without letting fear stop you from listening

Justice: One of the most important virtues for all of mankind. God created us in his image and no human should be treated with a lack of dignity by man or laws. It is worth fighting and dying for.

Integrity: All of life and faith is supported by truth. The Bible says "You shall know the Truth and the Truth shall set you free. We live in a world of fantasy and deception and the truth seems to be hidden

So there they are. Now, the risk of making your values known publicly is that people can judge you by them. Well, they are going to judge you anyway so don't let that stop you. One of my values mentioned earlier in this blog was to reveal myself to my children. Well this is part of letting my children know who I am. I hope it helps them understand me and possibly serve as some kind of example (good or bad) for them to consider.

To know yourself is to know the truth about yourself. In doing so you shall come to a knowledge about the truth of who you are and hopefully this truth will set you free and possibly those who care about you too.

Seek the truth at all cost and sell it not......