An Ocean of Tears

You can intellectuallize even spiritualize the passing of someone close to you but neither passes for mourning this person. Though I undestand that death comes to all and I believe we live eternally I didn't fully understand what mourning is about until now. I feel emotionally disconnected, like I've been unplugged from this world. My heart feels but my mind wants to move forward. My tears can fill an ocean.

Before my dad's passing I had not lost anyone close to me. I did not understand what grief and mourning is about. I had intellectualized the reality of my dad's death. I understood and accepted spiritually that I would not see him again in this world but my faith in an afterlife comforts me in the knowledge that I will see him again (John 16:22 You have sorrow now, but I will see you again; then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy).

So, that covers the intellectual and spiritual aspect of life. I thought I was doing fine. I didn't feel much the days leading up to the funeral and immediately after. Maybe I hadn't accepted his passing or, because I was doing his funeral service I had somehow disconnected myself by becoming a minister instead of a son. Anyway, I got through the service without breaking down entirely. I did pause a few times to collect myself which lead to moist eyes and many sniffs (lol).

I thought I had moved on somehow (how arrogant of me) and that mourning wasn't what it was cracked up to be. It wasn't until I got home and returned to "real life" that I began to feel the weight of his loss. It was like I had put on a coat of sorrow. The feeling of lonliness in a crowd and guilt for living and even finding joy became my constant companions.

Psalm 38:17 says "For I am read to fall, And my sorrow is continually before me." This passage perfectly describes how I am feeling. I feel as though I am being poured out. Like you twist a dish rag to drain the remaining water from it. My tears seem endless and if I allow it I will wail and cry endlessly. I don't understand this right now. If I believe that I will see my dad once more then why do I feel this way? Psalm 13:2 says "How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? This is how I feel today. I am struggling with sorrow in my heart every day. We can't live in the past (what has been) or the future (what will be) we must live in the now. I can understand how sorrow can become dangerous (Psalm 15:13 A glad heart makes a happy face; a broken heart crushes the spirit). However, Ecclesiastes 7:3 says "Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us." I find wisdom and truth in both but also an apparent paradox. Clearly, in life we must know when to allow the heart to lead and when to allow the mind to lead. Together they make up our soul but they can struggle one against the other.

Ecclesiastes 7:3 says "It is better to spend your time at funerals than at festivals. For you are going to die, and you should think about it while there is still time". Death is a humbling experience for us all. It is so easy to get lost in the sensuality of life and to become prideful in our thinking. So much so that we don't want to think about death even though it is a part of life. Who really wants to think about dying or attending a funeral? We seem convinced that the visible world is reality but maybe it is the spiritual world that is reality.How easy it is for us to believe a lie.

Here I go again, spiritualizing death and not allowing myself to feel the loss. I am not very good at just being. I tend to want to always do. I believe you can't take a short cut through mourning. Mourning is like a bill collector that continues to call. Those who try to avoid mourning will be visited continually by sadness of heart. Many times in the bible it says "And it came to pass". This time and sorrow has come to pass if I am willing to embrace the sadness of heart. If not, it will stay with me and become depression.

I believe that I am not only mourning my dad but also the closenes my family experienced the last three weeks. It was like we had been teleported to another galaxy, free from worldly thoughts and with a common purpose and harmony. We don't often experience this kind of common purpose and harmony in life. Maybe it was a tiny glimpse of heaven.

I said all this just to say I miss you dad...